Our treasure, our triumph!

When I revisit the Nimbin property with Rose Gardener in late December 2016, a great blessing greets me. The house, although sold, is still unoccupied. I can take a delightful, leisurely wander through our legacy, tearful and rejoicing at the same time. Now I can celebrate our house and farewell it with joy and some equanimity. That was impossible during the heartbreaking experience of leaving four months earlier.

The next morning, I write to Karl:

Our beautiful house makes me weep. It is so beautiful – so perfectly done. It is a miracle of design, craftsmanship, and perseverance. It will last forever! Our treasure. Absolute excellence. I hugged and touched and celebrated our home – our venture – our triumph!

As 2016, the worst year of my life comes to a close, I celebrate Karl’s support with an upbeat message:

You have been at my side throughout this terrible year – and I am now coming to believe that this is true – that you will guide and help me throughout my life. I can now see that – as you promised – things do work out.

a true believer in marigolds

By early 2017, I am a convert, a true believer in marigolds. They are working their magic. I want more marigolds, and I am willing to work for them. I am converting my gratitude into action. I tell Karl:

Okay: God wants what I want — and a small studio apartment in Strathmore Lodge in Vancouver is not too much to ask of God. I can have that! I can be Canadian again. I can move forward bravely into my new life.

I feel that a new life is emerging from the ruins of my old one. Initially invisible to me, like the intricacies of a brass plaque under a charcoal rubbing, it is slowly taking shape. I can glimpse the outline of it now.

“This gratitude stuff is not that hard”

On 15 February 2017, a year after his death, Karl elaborates on his appreciation of gratitude:

This gratitude stuff is not hard, really. We just need to align our powers. Please remember that God wants what you want for you. So, begin with a clear picture of what you want. You’ve been so precise I can see it. Then create a clear picture of how you want to feel. I can sense that: settled, comfortable, independent, and confident. And then, the money: you will have enough. I do not recommend that you do anything “fancy” or elaborate, my Wadie. You have already done all the work.

In mid-March 2017, when I learn I have secured the rental suite in Strathmore Lodge, Vancouver, I can barely contain my excitement and gratitude, confidently visualizing my future and telling Karl:

Since the suite in Vancouver became available, everything has changed. I am free. I can fly – again! My life has opened up – again! It was so closed down since you died. Now I can feel all my wings, so warm, so wet, so folded and crumpled – ready to open wide. I want to embrace my new life.

On 3 April 2017, marigolds are blooming in my heart, as I sign the lease.

My Vancouver friends, Eddie and Becky,  have the keys and are beginning to furnish the Vancouver suite.