I AM YOUR SUPPORTER FOREVER
From Nimbin, I move into the downstairs of Rose’s Brisbane house. Karl easily follows me there.
I feel lonely, even though the West End neighborhood is familiar.
Sensing my anxiety, Karl is quick to reply:
I am here — in your life — for the long haul. I am your supporter forever. I will be here all the time — until we meet again. I have been here for you for ages — for so many lives we have had together. That’s why our love is so strong — because we’ve weathered so much. Don’t discount this. It’s true.
Scanning the horizon for opportunities
Karl helps me to accept that, as my spiritual coach, his job is to study the horizon for opportunities, so I can rebuild myself and look ahead. Characteristically, he claims in late September 2016:
Things are now shifting for you — into a brand-new day! A day when you will sing for joy, as your sweetest dreams come true. You had a dream of a Beloved — and it came true for 23 years. And your new dreams will come true because your Beloved is on the job.
At this time, Karl’s emphasis is mostly on teamwork and reciprocity:
Keep your heart strong and your spirits up. We have always been a great team — if a bit eccentric. What we are doing now is the ultimate test of teamwork. It’s not imaginary!
My observations about our relationship
As I learn to seek, accept, and follow advice, I begin to grow in confidence that I am building a new life for myself. Often I voice regret to Karl; I wish I’d listened more closely to Karl’s advice when he was alive. But then I did not always trust his judgment.
Angela, my clairvoyant friend, tells me in mid-January 2017 that “Karl had a lot of fear and anger when he was alive that clouded his judgment.”
In mid-March 2016, I write: “I would hate to temper this soft, abiding love with even a tinge of regret.”
In early October 2016, I enumerate the qualities of our relationship that have helped me survive the past eight months: our shared view of death and life after death; our shared view of alternative spirituality; and the depth and closeness of our spiritual bond; my knowledge that Karl was not afraid of death; and his confidence that I would find the resources and support to cope with his death.
An enlarged view: One loving soul
As I often feel broken-hearted and directionless, I soon develop the knack of asking Karl for help. In late October 2016, I tell him how much I value our shared views:
“I can’t imagine how I would have managed in the last eight months without your love and support.”
By mid-November 2016, Karl’s tone changes dramatically. He recognizes that I face the prospects of so many anniversaries (our wedding anniversary, Christmas, New Year’s, my birthday, the anniversary of his death, and the anniversary of the day we met). His earlier coaching focused on helping me survive one day at a time. But now he is taking an enlarged view of my circumstances.
My questions are like a repetitive drumbeat: how to manage my grief, manage my affairs, my money, and decide where to live.
“The Love”
Karl identifies more urgent matters needing our attention, including “The Love”:
Wadie, we have been together longer than we can imagine. We are one loving soul. You have loved me more than I ever imagined — and your love and kindness have healed me. Now is your time to feel “The Love” flowing back into you when you need it.
I write to Karl in mid-November 2016:
I appreciate your soul – the fact that you (and I) could easily access our spiritual sides and connect on that level. I believe that that has sustained me during the hard parts of this year. Thank you!
A few months later, I add:
I appreciate your soulfulness. Your soul was (and is) so accessible to me. What a glorious quality in a man. A soulful man. A man with soul. I celebrate that.
