Not tested, helped!

Despite my growing acceptance of miracles, sometimes, my small, chaotic life feels like a massive test of endurance. Acceptance feels a long way off. A powerful heatwave that hit Brisbane immediately after the flood is followed by weeks of dramatic thunderstorms. Finally, I move into an apartment across the street from Rose’s house. I have a four-month lease.

WILL I BE An elderly statistic?

This year’s humid and exceptionally hot sub-tropical summer persists for months. I report to Karl that I am sorely tested. I fear I may become an elderly statistic, found dead in my apartment from heatstroke.

I am, by my own account, “plain wore out.”

Karl has no patience with the concept of being “tested”, as it does not align with his new paradigm.

With an impatient flourish, he writes:

You are not being tested. You are being helped. When next year arrives, you will look back on 2016 and 2017 and see/feel/believe a whole series of interconnected blessings. These are not even lessons. They are gifts. But, like anything in life, you need to have eyes to see them.

Slowly, I am learning to see, to hear, to accept, and to trust.

When I consult a clairvoyant friend, she visualizes Karl bathed in joyful energy, grateful that the two of us were able to accept and share an awareness of how and why things work (the marigolds). Karl views my acceptance of his intervention with the flood as a tremendous gift that triggers enormous compassion and joy in him.

The gift of Earthly life

Karl rarely mentions the fundamental difference in our circumstances (I am alive, and he is dead). For him, we are a team, accepting our realities, healing old wounds, seeking out new possibilities, and nourishing my fearlessness.

But on Valentine’s Day, his words take on a different flavor:

I want to remind you to see every second of your Earthly life as a gift. You have what I cannot have: Life! You are embodied, and I am not. Right now, when tears and sadness are choking you, I cannot hold you. I have lost that opportunity. I am asking you to be constantly aware — never be ‘asleep’. Always be aware of life and its blessings. Keep waking up to life’s spiritual messages.

One cosmic rule

By mid-March 2017, Karl’s focus changes again. He can see my new rental suite in Vancouver, even the furnishings, bedding and new IKEA furniture my friends had purchased for me. He predicts that I’ll find support in Vancouver from new people in new contexts. Love will follow me. I have made my vision clear and asked hundreds of friends to pray for me.

Then Karl explains one cosmic rule.

While I know what I want, how it will be delivered. Ah, that is one of life’s sweet mysteries, revealed only in the final unfolding:

The universe now wants to reward you, but you need to play by the new cosmic rules. And one rule is not to try to second-guess miracles. It’s okay to expect them, wait for them, and accept and delight in then. But you can’t meddle with them.

A COMPLETE RELEARNING OF MY WORLD

I am coming to learn what contemporary bereavement theorist, Tom Attig explains: the grieving process involves a complete relearning of our world. Mystery holds center stage in our lives as we grieve, and mysteries “reveal the limits of all our preconceived ideas” (How We Grieve, 2011).

God is not finished with marigolds for you

I might not always get what I want, but I will receive what I need.

One day Karl says,

Before you were born, you dreamed huge, wonderful dreams of this life. You have seen glimpses of them. Soon you will see them come true. You valued our love and could see who I was. You accepted me into your big heart, and that healed a lot of my pain. You can see how miracles can unfold for you. God is not finished with marigolds for you.